


Arrhythmia

by mopsi



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Gen, Love Triangles, Minor canon divergence, Platonic Relationships, Psychological Trauma, Vague Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-11
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2019-03-01 04:08:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13286673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mopsi/pseuds/mopsi
Summary: Ritsuko has no small role in saving Rei, but the response is not simply gratitude.Dynamic exploration.





	Arrhythmia

**Author's Note:**

> Set pre-series and first to second episode. When you're done reading, you should take your time to read the other note, if you're interested!

Rei wasn't totally unconscious, though she was down for the count. Her body had shut out feeling from parts of her body entirely: an arm, an eye, a side. The blow that knocked her out was still ringing in her head, mixed with the feeling of big, strong arms wrapped around her chest, under her arms. Gendo's arms.

Her body had been turned on one side, and she had left her body for a moment into the darkness. When she was back, she was looking down at herself from above.

Rei was lying beside a pond of orange, crimson, and maroon. A pair of hands were rhythmically pressing down on her chest. Not hers, the Rei-doll’s below. She could see a scalp from here, the uneven bob cut, the similarly-uneven split, tacky earrings swinging with the movement, blood-stained lab coat hastily pushed to the elbows. Ritsuko swore, coughed dryly, and closed Rei-doll’s nose with her fingers, opened her mouth. She pressed her dry lips firmly on Rei-doll’s. The world blinked; the lights went off for an immeasurably short time.

When they came back on, Rei was in her body again, looking through a crack in the eyelids, lashes muddling the sight, and she scanned the room with this reacquired sense. Gendo's dark silhouette was behind Ritsuko's huge shadow, and his shoulders were tight and fists clenched. He had come for Rei. _You came for me. Thank you. Don't worry. I'm here._ She wanted to speak, but her breathing was labored; the pain was back, and it made her small.

Ritsuko put her fingers against Rei’s throat, sighed from relief, and Rei, like a coward, closed her eyes from the pain, back into the comfort of nothing.

* * *

The hospital lights were cold and white. The pain was present, muffled with heavy painkillers. It lived in her body, like a neighbor or a friend.

Ritsuko's presence was a constant, as well. She monitored Rei, and the nurses spoke in her voice, carried her too-clean scent. They changed her sheets, bathed her, but they got their orders from Ritsuko, carried their information back to her like a white-coat queen bee.

"We may have the next pilot here soon,” Ritsuko said, as if to herself, when she stopped by to print Rei’s heart scans. “I hope it wasn't a mistake to send Misato to them... Well, she did receive clear instructions. As for the value of the child, that remains to be seen. Gendo's biological child? What a curious choice. Well, that's beyond my pay grade.

"I hope that means you can recover in peace." Ritsuko sighed, browsing through the scans with a frown.

 _Gendo’s biological child? Gendo’s child?_ Rei’s eyes flicked to Ritsuko. Ritsuko’s attention was in the prints she was holding in her hands — her mention had been offhand, uncalculated. _I wasn’t aware. But he would tell me when it was time. When it was relevant._ Her eyes went back to staring at the ceiling.

"How are you feeling, Rei?" Ritsuko asked. Her gaze rested on Rei’s face; there was an unusual warmth in her voice that Rei found offensive, for some reason.

"My condition has improved," Rei said stiffly.

"Not outright dying in my hands, then? Good." Ritsuko's voice was half-amused, half-something else, something Rei didn't want or need.

Rei's body needed rest, and it took what it needed.

* * *

 Rei had no access to a clock, and her body had lost track of time, drifting to sleep and back. In her dreams, she was choking, drowning, like being pressed by megatons of water at the bottom of the ocean. In her dreams, explosions rang out, orange liquid glued her limbs in place; a muffled roar of a distraught Eva called to her, begging her to come to it. She called back: _Don’t worry about me, you’ll be fine, don’t worry, don’t worry, don’t worry…_

Rei’s limbs started to dissolve, painfully melting into that orange liquid, and pairs after pairs of pale hands tried to reach after her, to rescue her. She wanted to tell them: _Let me go. Let me sleep. It hurts, but it’s going to be over soon._ But she could not speak or move; her guts went cold with horror, and she struggled in her deep dormancy.

Something brushed her shoulder—the touch of soft fingers—and then Rei heard a voice, cool and smooth like tap water.

“Rei, wake up.”

Rei blinked, confused, as she found herself looking at the cold white ceiling bathed in fluorescent light. She was panting erratically, and the ECG machine was bleeping helplessly, rapidly, echoing throughout the room. Ritsuko was standing by her bedside.

Using the fingers with which she had brushed Rei’s shoulder to wake her up, Ritsuko felt Rei’s forehead for a few moments. “You aren’t burning up, so I don’t think you have a fever or anything… but you were tossing and turning in your sleep. Are you in pain?”

It took Rei a while to find her tongue. “Yes, somewhat.” The words came out breathless and hollow.

Ritsuko frowned at her, neither upset or concerned, but like Rei was a puzzle she needed to solve. “You seem upset. Is it bothering you? What you went through?”

Rei looked away, refusing to answer. She wanted for Ritsuko to leave, let her be alone; she was exhausted and didn’t want to answer any questions. Her eyes burned; she shifted her wrists to rest more comfortably.

Ritsuko stood quietly for a while. “Rei, did you have any nightmares?”

Rei hesitated, and nodded.

“Can you tell me about them? Maybe that will reduce your anxiety.”

 _I’m not anxious._ “I was in LCL. There were many of these… pale sets of hands. They wanted to help me. I heard Eva-00 roaring. I think it wanted me to help it. I don’t understand why.”

“That sounds unsettling.”

Rei thought about that for a moment. “It sounds like it. But it wasn’t.”

“Then there must have been something else causing you distress.”

“I… I was… I was melting.”

“Melting?”

“Yes… to become a part of the liquid, somehow. It was… I think it was… as if digesting me.”

“Ah.”

Ritsuko paced a few steps in silent contemplation, as if staying in one place would be unbearable for her suddenly. Then she stopped by the head of Rei’s bed. Ritsuko took a vial of orange liquid from her pocket, and Rei fixed her eyes on it.

“Would you be comfortable with holding this?” Ritsuko’s voice was not demanding or overbearing; it was only a polite suggestion.

“Yes.”

Ritsuko placed the bottle on Rei’s unmoving palm. The glass was slightly warm from being in Ritsuko’s pocket; Rei felt the weight and the familiarity of the glass.

“It isn’t going to melt you, is it.”

“No.” Rei curled her fingers around the bottle, feeling its weight in her healthy hand.

It was in the small hours that Rei fell asleep again. When Ritsuko arrived to make her first check-up for the morning, she gently took the bottle away from Rei’s hand and put it back in her own pocket.

* * *

A few hours later, Rei was lying awake in her bed. When she looked up, she saw Gendo’s frame in the doorway. His hands were in his pants pockets, but he took them out, minding his manners. He was wearing new glasses, and his bandaged hands were in new gloves. He looked sharp, like nothing had happened. It could have been her imagination… but he had come for Rei then, and he was here, looking after her, visiting her bed. He had a need for Rei, and somehow, it was all that mattered.

“I’m receiving a replacement. You will stay here, in reserve.”

“Yes, sir,” Rei said. “Can I… ask something?”

“What is it?” Gendo asked gently.

“Will you… have a need for me again?”

“Always.” He glanced at his watch and turned to leave, but looked back behind himself on his way out. “Take your time to rest.”

“Sir,” Rei whispered, and watched as Gendo’s back disappeared into the corridor.

She willed her body to regain its strength, to follow Gendo, to take her place in his side. At the same time, she felt weak. Did she really need him that badly, so as to live? Did she not have any dignity? Any sense of self?

She pushed her doubts aside. Gendo was hard, because the world was hard. She was in no place to doubt him.

* * *

In shallow dreams, Rei saw Ritsuko’s face float past her, looking at her with sharp eyes. She was wearing Commander Ikari’s broken glasses. They were a bad fit for her, and she pushed them up her nose, like the commander sometimes did. Then she faded away, like a reflection on glass.

Through the veil of dreams, Rei heard voices from the world outside. It was not Ritsuko; it was a doctor, an older man, speaking with two nurses in hushed voices.

“…and if he won’t, it’s going to be over for the lot of us.”

“He’s just a child.”

“Do you think that his age overrides everyone’s needs?”

There was an emergency. An angel’s attack, most likely; Rei was here, hospitalized, _in reserve_. She didn’t think of her safety or wounds. Was she concerned of the safety of the world? …No. She was tired, she needed to rest; she let her eyes rest on the blank screen overhead.

The commander’s face appeared on the screen, as if on cue.

"You will do it again."

"Yes, sir." The answer was immediate. It needed no thought, no consideration; there was no other response.

Her shaking body was pushed along the corridors with great haste, as if she was in first aid and in urgent need of an operation. She saw nothing, heard nothing, in an attempt to empty her mind and focus. Gendo knew what was best. (Nohedidnt) He only did this to ensure victory. (Mylifedoesn'tcount) He had a plan, he always did. (Heisreadytokillme)

Her thoughts rang so far away, as if from a tiny tin can across the room. Her body was numb, so was her mind. She thought she felt the grounding weight of a laboratory vial in her healthy hand.

Rei wasn’t fully aware of her surroundings, but the floor rumbled, and the roof seemed to cave in; with a gasp, she felt herself slip off the gurney, her drip stung her arm when it tore violently away, and she tumbled onto the floor like a ragdoll. Her wounds dripped blood and burnt with fresh pain, and her head spun, her ears rang; the floor was cold, and it shook from the previous tremors against her bare arms and the thin suit.

Then her upper body was hefted by a pair of arms. _Gen…do?_ No, these arms weren’t Gendo’s… they were strong and capable, but young and soft. Someone was saying something, but it wasn’t Gendo; it was a young boy’s voice. The child… Gendo’s son? Yes, she was sent here to replace… the backup, the backup was… Gendo’s child, the backup pilot who was unusable.

 _Your father saved me..._ she wanted to say, or: _I’m going to pilot on your behalf,_ but the pain surged from nowhere in an agonizing attack, and she had to laboredly suck down gulps of air.

Rei’s ears were ringing, and it was hard to think. There was a general commotion, but she was scarcely aware of what it was about. Then darkness took her in.

* * *

Rei opened her eyes to the familiar cold, bluish-white of the ceiling. So Tokyo-3 was still in one piece. That was good. Good? She wasn’t sure how she felt about it, but she guessed it had to be good. The city of thousands of people being guarded with her life.

That was all she had any value in.

A nurse entered, greeting Rei meekly when she saw her awake. She gave Rei a tray of tasteless food and helped her into a sitting position to eat it up. The nurse was half-Chinese, and her Japanese wasn’t great, but she explained how the events had played out, how Gendo’s son had been a hero and saved the entire world from that monster. Then she left, and Rei liked the peace that took the nurse’s place.

Ritsuko didn’t greet Rei when she entered, instead pacing the floor, back and forth. She smelled like cigarettes; she had been smoking a lot.

“The details are in here.” She gave Rei an official report and continued her aimless pacing. The report was in a manilla file folder, with the Nerv logo and _Top Secret_ stamped on top. There were black-and-white prints and some photos taken from surveillance footage.

“That would be you,” Ritsuko said.

Rei’s heart jumped; she hadn’t realized Ritsuko had stopped walking and was watching her now. The photo Rei was holding had a shape of a girl lying on the floor, small as a stain, surrounded by nurses and a doctor; debris had fallen around them. _That’s me? It looks like just some girl in a newspaper…_

One of the photos had Eva-01 tearing the angel’s AT field apart.

“That’s what the child was capable of. He’ll be a good addition to the team if we’re going to see more of these angels, like the _commander_ seems to suspect.” Ritsuko gave Rei a sidewards glance. “Not like he’ll detail his intelligence to anyone. Don’t worry. You won’t stop being _needed,_ of course.” Rei didn’t understand her tone.

“You’re in one piece, on your way to full healing; Gendo wants you back to piloting in twenty days, and that’s likely to happen.” Ritsuko took a look at the heart monitor in the room, as if for emphasis. “Your condition is quite stable.”

Rei still didn’t speak, not like there was anything to say.

Ritsuko seemed irked by the fact, or by something else; she started pacing around the room again, with a frown on her face. "Why, Rei? You collapsed when you got up. Why did you agree to pilot?"

Rei noticed that stiffness in her muscles again. "Commander Ikari said so,” she managed to say. “You are in no place to question him."

Ritsuko stopped pacing and gave Rei a disapproving look. "I know my place, thank you. What exactly is Ikari to you?” Rei didn’t have an answer, or wouldn’t gratify Ritsuko with one; Ritsuko just shook her head. “What am I asking—you're entirely dependant on him. What a sorry state for a woman to be."

Ritsuko left the hospital bed with a sharp click of her heel; the sharp shape of her shoulders vanished through the door, leaving the room cold and hollow, echoing with the rhythm of Rei’s heartbeat.

**Author's Note:**

> I struggled with this dynamic and Rei's POV; I wanted to do my best to show her mental state. It's something that's not given as much exposition as it could in canon. I ended up deciding she has quite a bit of dissociation and a distorted sense of self. This ended up having more weight than perhaps originally intended.
> 
> Ritsuko got clean papers from me, because there’s nothing to “diagnose” in her. She's a brilliant mind and more empathetic and thoughtful than she seems; in ep1, she tells Gendo she's uncomfortable with using children as pilots, although she sees the necessity, but Gendo dismisses her.
> 
> The two women have much in common, but also much to separate them; not just simple jealousy over Gendo, but who they identify themselves as, and what they are identified as from the outside.


End file.
